Day One: No purging.
Ate candy, a piece of bread and a cup of soup. I'd estimate that I stayed around 800 calories, but I'm not certain. 

I'm 109 pounds. My weight has stabilized at 110 so it's hard for me to gain or lose weight regardless of my food choices. In order to get down to 105, I will probably have to purge everything I eat or stay under 500 calories per day. I'm opting for the later half, even though I know I'll end up doing the former of the two, because it's healthier.  

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I'm not doing so well. I've been bping everyday.  I had a massive bp on Friday and threw up blood. At work. I feel like a failure, and my stomach hurts everytime I eat.

This is destroying my body and making me incredibly boring. All I think about is food. :(

I'm off to John's for the night. Hopefully, I can drowd my anxiety in a few beers before bed.

Tomorrow, the store I manage is officially closing, and I'm starting over with no bp.

What's a cup of coffee mean anyway?  On my first date,  I wasn't anxious at all.  It was indian summer in Buffalo.  The air was still heavy from unforgotten rain fall, but warm and sweet with the smell of grass and lillacs.  

Andrew and I sat outside on damp chairs at Starbucks. We both got hot drinks on a warm night. I remember:  His birkenstocks, his orange shirt, his caramel machiato. I've forgotten: what we talked about, why he called, how he even got my phone number.

We talked until there were only baristas left inside cleaning. He asked me to be his girlfriend, then kissed me, and I looked at him as if I'd never seen him before: His smile looked almost like a laugh, and his eyes were three words away from happy tears.

OK. I said okay.

Everything went in fast forward for months. We slow danced to jazz in the street. We drank hot cocoa with my mom in our pajamas. We baked cookies. He whispered I love you into my hair and into the palms of my hands.  I watched his band play. We went to parties. We went to church. We went running. We went to college in seperate states.

And then it ended with snowfall.

Parked in the driveway of my parents house in his own car, we cried. I said I'd never leave him; I lied. I remember my words...too serious, too young for this. Fumbling through the darkness on my way away up the driveway, I turned around expecting to see him driving away. But he stayed, parked in the driveway with his lights still off.

Suddenly, I wanted to turn back.  I wanted something warm that I couldn't remember. But the snow that night was so harsh that I couldn't see him. I couldn't see anything at all.

On Monday when I said  If I put this into my body, it's going to stay, I meant it.

I've gone six days without purging, and I don't feel relieved. Food has been incredibly stressful all week. I've been terrified to put anything  caloric in my mouth. I planned on making yesterday a binge day to shake up my metabolism, and I didn't even make it to 1000 calories.  The rest of the week I've been floating between 400-600 calories/ day. I'm scared and hungry.

I've lost 7lbs, but I'd gladly gain it all back to feel less volatile. I really love John-- there's probably no one else in the world I'd rather be around-- and I'm worried that he'll leave me if he finds out that I've been purging regularly. Consequently, I can't really explain to him why I keep bursting into tears and flying off the handle all week. My only form of stress relief is GONE, I'm hungry, I can't sleep, I'm scared to eat and I AM PISSED ABOUT EVERYTHING.

Yesterday, he wanted to see the movie Step Brothers, and I made this big fuss. I just can't handle listening to men judge women soley based on how they look, even in jest, without feeling judged. Am I more valuable if I am skinny and pretty? Does my self-worth increase as I become less? Stupid, I know, but it triggers me.

But what I am suppose to say to John? How do you explain that to someone who clearly doesn't want to talk to me about my ED?  Look, baby, chavunistic humor makes me want to b/p, and I haven't this week so we can we see something else? Ha. Instead I continue to talk incessantly about how much I hate my job when that wasn't all what I wanted to say. 

What I wanted to say was, Im scared. I feel like Im losing my job, and I love my job. I could take or leave sales, but I love helping people lose weight in a healthy way. It feels good to know that I can help someone else be better than me. It gives me hope that someday I might be able to have children who eat healthy and are healthy, because frankly, I don't want to create someone like me. What if I dont know who I am without my job, without my family, without my friends? What if the only things I know about me are things I dont want?

I don't want to be fat. I don't want people to look at me and immediately assume I am lazy, unhealthy and useless. When I used to cry about my weight in college, Elliot used to tell me to change it. If you don't like something about yourself, fix it. I'm always trying. I can never tell if I am learning or improving.

I need so much that no one can give me but me.

You know what, Im done.
My skin is breaking out, my weight is up a pound since I got home from work, and Im getting my period randomly.

I havent had a period in 6 months, and all of the sudden, on the second week of my pill pack, Im bleeding. And Im not talking a few drops of red blood either.

I  told myself I wouldn't throw up today. Then I over ate.

-Granola bar
-2 LA Lite bars
-Greek salad with chicken
-Crackers with soy cheese

Whats normal? What do normal people eat?

I felt guilty and awful about the crackers. I didn't even really mean to purge.

Here's my excuse:
I was sitting in the bathtub, thinking about the calorie I ate. All of the sudden I leaned over and threw up in the toilet. I didn't even really think about what I as doing or why. It almost caught me off guard.

So I thought-- Im puking, OK. The contents of my stomach were all out of sequence, so I didn't stop.

The phone rings. I smell like vomit. It's John. I'm frustrated with him today, plus my stomach was burning so badly. I binge.

-2 cookies with (spoiled) chocolate soy milk
-Granola bar

Tack that onto todays total. I bet Im at over 2000 calories for the day.
When my body calms down, I think I will try to do some light exercise to compensate.

I emailed a therapist just now who specializes in eating disorders.

I am tired of smelling like vomit. My glands are swollen. I look like shit. You know how some people say they feel skinnier after they purge; I don't.

I feel swollen and awful, and my stomach looks the same either way. So why do it? I don't know.

All I know is I just want to stop. Period. Forever. 

I want to exercise and eat healthy.
I want to feel clean.

This is what I remember from last night:
I'm standing in a crowded bar.  I'm drunk. I'm drinking. I'm leaning into the only boy I know. It's his birthday. All the sound is traveling through him. He isnt even looking at me. Everything Im saying is gone.

In the car, Im kissing his neck. He puts my hand between his legs.

On his bed, undressed, I can't breath. I start hyperventillating.

When I wake up, all I can think is Im done.
Next.

I feel like crying.
Nothing makes sense.

Still here, still fat.
I run for 2 hours today.
Been doing crunches like I used to in the old days when I actually had self-control.
I had 2 spirutein shakes and a pria protein bar (probably around 500-700 calories?).


Last week, I ate entire box of 100 calorie snack packs. I went bought some, and ate them in my car. I didn't even leave the parking lot. Then I threw them up.

This madness needs to stop.

This morning I weighed in at 113.2.
I still look ridiculously fat but at least the numbers on the scale are going down.
Today:
soy latte........... 200 calories
strawberries......50 calories
low carb bar....150 calories
fruit chew.........200 calories
veggies........... 100 calories
lf cheese............40 calories

740 calories?

Exercise:
Running, 1 hour


I also plan on going to the gym

Yesterday: 116.6
Food:
-soy latte (200)
-jetstart energy drink (150)
-slice of low fat cheese (80)
-wine (300?)
-1 light beer (90)
820 calories---YIKES
Activity: NONE

Today:
Food:
-1/2 cup egg beaters (60)
-slice of low fat cheese (80)
-soy latte (220)
-low fat cheese (80)
-1 cup shredded wheat (170)
-soy crisps (100)
710 calories :(
Activity: Running, 1 hour

Liquids only today. :)
PLUS, I ran and went to the gym.
I'm going until Thursday.
I can soooo do this.